Atrocious April

Mad storm passing

What do you do when a storm is passing? A storm you can’t pacify. A storm that you need to endure. A storm that you pray to pass quickly. It’s not the summer storm with the beautiful pattering of the rain on your roof. It doesn’t contain the soft gray clouds that you know. It consists of roaring thunders and sharp lightnings. It brings too much rain, enough for flood, enough to wash you away. It comes with harsh and strong winds that can make trees bow. What do you do when a storm is passing?

Recently, I failed at something. And I seem to be failing at everything after that. I’m not in a good place. I’m not okay. I feel brokenhearted to say the least.

Ganoon pala yun… The hardest part of a having a dream dying is the fact that you stay alive. You still live after its death. You continue even if it does not. You still exist when it ceased. Every sunrise still shines. Every sunset still goes. The earth continues to turn.

It’s the kind of heartbreak where you can’t cry. Tears won’t come to me. Yet, I know I’m breaking. Like, something in me is trying to break free. It’s the kind of heartbreak where you want to go away. Stay away from people for a time. Go somewhere else. Go far away from your mind. Talk to no one. Think about nothing. It’s the kind of heartbreak where you don’t know where to start. Start healing. Start moving on. Start anew.

I know it will pass. This phase will pass. Everything will pass. But for now… I’m just feeling sh*t. I want days to fast forward. To what? I don’t know. I just want to do something. Read? Sleep? Eat? Travel? I don’t know. I want to cry it out. How to start? I don’t know. I want to sort my emotions. What do I really feel? I don’t know.

I’m just waiting. Waiting for the storm to pass. It will.

And new flowers will bloom after that storm. Beautiful. Like none the earth have seen before.

I’ll patiently wait for them to bloom.
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Start Writing

After the first letter is clicked, what an adrenaline rush! Inspired (persuaded? bullied into?) by my friend Arra, I went to this site:

http://www.themostdangerouswritingapp.com/

Even before I typed in my first word, I was already thinking about the words and sentences that I want to write. It was so exciting, yet, unnerving at the same time. What should I write? Should I write that in? How would I say what I want to say? How does that subject and verb agreement goes? Will I be able to write continuously for three minutes?

The idea behind this site is that if you stop writing, everything you have written will be gone. You can’t cheat also! You can’t type and delete, type and delete, and type and delete while waiting for that next word to come to you. That’s why I was so nervous to write! But you know what is the secret to finishing this challenge? Just start writing. 

2nd story pt. 1

2nd story
We’re two ships sailing

Here’s one of my first “stories”. I was able to write this because this story had been bothering for a long time now. However, I always made excuses not to write it down. Excuses such as “I don’t have time yet”, “I’m not in the mood”, “I don’t have the right paper and pen”, or “I’m too lazy to write it down”. But it begs to be written down because it’s always on my mind. If you read it, you’ll see grammatical errors and inconsistent voices. You’ll also notice how disconnected some sentences would be. You’ll see how I jumped from an idea to another. How I shift voices, tenses, and ideas. But I think, that’s part of the magic of this site.

Soon, I let go and just forget about the rules. I just start writing and kept on writing. Without any fear of the “rules”. With just the words I want to write. With just the sentiments I want to be honest with. I started with 3 minutes and now I find myself enjoying and not breaking any sweat with 10 minutes! Like, whoah. Haha!

It’s always a liberating experience to write. Not just with this site but, in general. Why? This site made me realize that this statement is true, “We write what the heart is full of…” I have written other things in this site that I’m not that comfortable to share with a whole lot. Things that, sometimes, I don’t even what to think about. Like dreams that are too close yet still too far. Or of fears that lurks around the corners of my mind. And of people. Stories that I would not share but have written. I’m still not that brave, dear reader. So, for now, I’m just sharing written fictions. Haha!

3rd story
Summer seasons are the worst

 

So there. Why don’t you challenge yourself with this? Start writing! 

Random Reminders for the Rest of 2018

2018 have indeed started and I’m okay with it so far! There’s a lot going on and, for sure, more have yet to come. I can feel it. This is the year where I’ll achieve things, may it be the way I thought it is or maybe in another totally different direction. Whatever it is, I am excited for it to happen.

However, with the excitement also comes fear. Fear of failing. Fear of being stuck. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not being able to do your best. And while feeling all those fears and doubts, I have realized something. Fear paralyzes you. The more you entertain fearful thoughts, the more you get less things done. Fear holds you back from your dreams. It’s a two-step backwards from achieving your goals. Why can’t you have a fearless 2018?  Why not go for the gold? Why not try to reach the stars? Why not?

So here are some reminders for myself for the rest of 2018. Some reminders that could, hopefully, make me choose to always do my best.

amanda+joaquim

Ever heard this saying before? Simply put, it means even some Dumb Jane can be useful. Although, I have a different approach with it. What it means to me is that you should be less critical of yourself. If a broken clock is right twice a day then, probably, you did something right on this day. Maybe, with the hundred things you’ve done today, you’ve made one thing right. So, no matter how shitty you might feel maybe it is not bad after all. Celebrate that one thing you made right and improve on the rest. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s okay to be broken. It’s okay to be dumb at times. It’s okay not to be okay. But what’s not okay is staying that way. A broken clock gets fixed eventually. So should you.

All are called to be great, but only a few responds.

Do we choose where we would be? Do we choose what we would be? Or is everything already written in the stars? It’s your destiny to be there. It’s your destiny to be this rather than to be that. Sometimes I feel that I have such too big of a dream. That maybe it’s time to be “realistic”. You know? Putting you feet on the ground. Take root. Stay. Because if destiny has no hand at all of this, then why are there so many “average” people? I thought it was because it is not their destiny to be great. I was wrong. I have come to realize that all are called to be great, but only a few responds. All are destined to be great. However, the path to your destiny is your choice. It’s your choice not to achieve your dreams, not to fight for it, not to work hard for it. It’s your choice to stop pursuing your dreams, getting comfortable, staying contented. It’s your choice.

Cheers for Beer Day!

This is a bible verse, but before we get religious I think we can still apply it to our daily lives. Well, in the bible this talks about how you cannot love God and money at the same time and at the same level. Why? Because stuff. Anyway…I think, this also say something about our priorities. We live in an age where people are proud multi-taskers, but is it really something to be proud of? On a certain level, yes. Not all the time, though. Recently, I find myself torn between two “masters”. Two things that I should be doing, two things that are completely different from one another. The result? I’m not excelling in any one of them. I’m not doing my best in any. I’m not able to give my 100% to any.

You see, it’s not just about doing things. It’s not just about the work load. It’s also about the way you feel. How dedicated would you be to any of the two? Which is more important? Other times it would be this one, then it would be the other one. Can that really work? What would you prioritized more of the two? Where would you focus more?

What if it is two competing dreams? Because of trying to balance the two, you’ll end up losing both. You could also end up losing one. Then realizing that it was your ultimate dream and you just blew your chances. The take away here? Hindi pwedeng hati yung puso mo. You need to decide.

So, there you go dear readers! Hope some of my ramblings here help! Let’s all do our best this 2018, okay?

Reviewing Myself

Each night, as I lay on my bed all alone, I ask myself why? Why do I feel this un-explainable anxiety? The kind of anxiety that eats you up inside. The kind that makes your head ache. The kind that won’t let you sleep at night. The kind that creeps up when you’re alone. The kind that paralyse you and makes all your thoughts tangled. The kind of anxiety, you don’t even know where to begin how to explain it.

I guess, I feel this anxiety because of fear. Fear of the unknown. Come on dear reader, admit it. We all fear the unknown. I also fear being a failure. Failure in the eyes and standards of others. Funny, right? Yes, it is funny. Why should society, the one being composed of half wits, dictate what our success is? We should define what is success unless we want others to define it for us.

I searched why do I feel fear nowadays (or should I say nowanights)? I told myself, look in my past. I did. I read my past blog site and wow. Just wow, for the revelations just poured out.

Hopes and Dreams. I was so hopeful back then. My dreams during the nights and during the days always merge. I was a dreamer. Now, I seemed to lost most of my dreams. Maybe, this is also the reason why I lost my capacity to maintain a blog. I’m changing now. I’m dreaming again. I’m hoping again. They said that as long as there is life there is hope. But, dear reader, it’s the other way around. As long as there is hope and dreams there is life…

Fearless. I was young and fearless. I’m still young but where had my fearlessness had gone? It took a break. Now it must go back. Break’s over! Be fearless!

Letting Go. I’ve lost the knowledge of ‘letting go’. Back then I was so fearless because I can easily ‘detach’ myself from things. I should relearn the things my philosophy prof taught me. Life lessons about letting go. It’s important to have the capability of detachment. So what? So what if I fail? So what is I lost this and that? So what? Let go. Breathe and let go.

So there’s my mini evaluation of myself. Re-reading my past blog site was such an eye-opener for me. I miss that girl, I’m getting back that girl. In this case, dear reader, I must get my old self back. Hello 2012, I making a comeback!