Reviewing Myself

Each night, as I lay on my bed all alone, I ask myself why? Why do I feel this un-explainable anxiety? The kind of anxiety that eats you up inside. The kind that makes your head ache. The kind that won’t let you sleep at night. The kind that creeps up when you’re alone. The kind that paralyse you and makes all your thoughts tangled. The kind of anxiety, you don’t even know where to begin how to explain it.

I guess, I feel this anxiety because of fear. Fear of the unknown. Come on dear reader, admit it. We all fear the unknown. I also fear being a failure. Failure in the eyes and standards of others. Funny, right? Yes, it is funny. Why should society, the one being composed of half wits, dictate what our success is? We should define what is success unless we want others to define it for us.

I searched why do I feel fear nowadays (or should I say nowanights)? I told myself, look in my past. I did. I read my past blog site and wow. Just wow, for the revelations just poured out.

Hopes and Dreams. I was so hopeful back then. My dreams during the nights and during the days always merge. I was a dreamer. Now, I seemed to lost most of my dreams. Maybe, this is also the reason why I lost my capacity to maintain a blog. I’m changing now. I’m dreaming again. I’m hoping again. They said that as long as there is life there is hope. But, dear reader, it’s the other way around. As long as there is hope and dreams there is life…

Fearless. I was young and fearless. I’m still young but where had my fearlessness had gone? It took a break. Now it must go back. Break’s over! Be fearless!

Letting Go. I’ve lost the knowledge of ‘letting go’. Back then I was so fearless because I can easily ‘detach’ myself from things. I should relearn the things my philosophy prof taught me. Life lessons about letting go. It’s important to have the capability of detachment. So what? So what if I fail? So what is I lost this and that? So what? Let go. Breathe and let go.

So there’s my mini evaluation of myself. Re-reading my past blog site was such an eye-opener for me. I miss that girl, I’m getting back that girl. In this case, dear reader, I must get my old self back. Hello 2012, I making a comeback!

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