Atrocious April

Mad storm passing

What do you do when a storm is passing? A storm you can’t pacify. A storm that you need to endure. A storm that you pray to pass quickly. It’s not the summer storm with the beautiful pattering of the rain on your roof. It doesn’t contain the soft gray clouds that you know. It consists of roaring thunders and sharp lightnings. It brings too much rain, enough for flood, enough to wash you away. It comes with harsh and strong winds that can make trees bow. What do you do when a storm is passing?

Recently, I failed at something. And I seem to be failing at everything after that. I’m not in a good place. I’m not okay. I feel brokenhearted to say the least.

Ganoon pala yun… The hardest part of a having a dream dying is the fact that you stay alive. You still live after its death. You continue even if it does not. You still exist when it ceased. Every sunrise still shines. Every sunset still goes. The earth continues to turn.

It’s the kind of heartbreak where you can’t cry. Tears won’t come to me. Yet, I know I’m breaking. Like, something in me is trying to break free. It’s the kind of heartbreak where you want to go away. Stay away from people for a time. Go somewhere else. Go far away from your mind. Talk to no one. Think about nothing. It’s the kind of heartbreak where you don’t know where to start. Start healing. Start moving on. Start anew.

I know it will pass. This phase will pass. Everything will pass. But for now… I’m just feeling sh*t. I want days to fast forward. To what? I don’t know. I just want to do something. Read? Sleep? Eat? Travel? I don’t know. I want to cry it out. How to start? I don’t know. I want to sort my emotions. What do I really feel? I don’t know.

I’m just waiting. Waiting for the storm to pass. It will.

And new flowers will bloom after that storm. Beautiful. Like none the earth have seen before.

I’ll patiently wait for them to bloom.
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Random Reminders for the Rest of 2018

2018 have indeed started and I’m okay with it so far! There’s a lot going on and, for sure, more have yet to come. I can feel it. This is the year where I’ll achieve things, may it be the way I thought it is or maybe in another totally different direction. Whatever it is, I am excited for it to happen.

However, with the excitement also comes fear. Fear of failing. Fear of being stuck. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not being able to do your best. And while feeling all those fears and doubts, I have realized something. Fear paralyzes you. The more you entertain fearful thoughts, the more you get less things done. Fear holds you back from your dreams. It’s a two-step backwards from achieving your goals. Why can’t you have a fearless 2018?  Why not go for the gold? Why not try to reach the stars? Why not?

So here are some reminders for myself for the rest of 2018. Some reminders that could, hopefully, make me choose to always do my best.

amanda+joaquim

Ever heard this saying before? Simply put, it means even some Dumb Jane can be useful. Although, I have a different approach with it. What it means to me is that you should be less critical of yourself. If a broken clock is right twice a day then, probably, you did something right on this day. Maybe, with the hundred things you’ve done today, you’ve made one thing right. So, no matter how shitty you might feel maybe it is not bad after all. Celebrate that one thing you made right and improve on the rest. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s okay to be broken. It’s okay to be dumb at times. It’s okay not to be okay. But what’s not okay is staying that way. A broken clock gets fixed eventually. So should you.

All are called to be great, but only a few responds.

Do we choose where we would be? Do we choose what we would be? Or is everything already written in the stars? It’s your destiny to be there. It’s your destiny to be this rather than to be that. Sometimes I feel that I have such too big of a dream. That maybe it’s time to be “realistic”. You know? Putting you feet on the ground. Take root. Stay. Because if destiny has no hand at all of this, then why are there so many “average” people? I thought it was because it is not their destiny to be great. I was wrong. I have come to realize that all are called to be great, but only a few responds. All are destined to be great. However, the path to your destiny is your choice. It’s your choice not to achieve your dreams, not to fight for it, not to work hard for it. It’s your choice to stop pursuing your dreams, getting comfortable, staying contented. It’s your choice.

Cheers for Beer Day!

This is a bible verse, but before we get religious I think we can still apply it to our daily lives. Well, in the bible this talks about how you cannot love God and money at the same time and at the same level. Why? Because stuff. Anyway…I think, this also say something about our priorities. We live in an age where people are proud multi-taskers, but is it really something to be proud of? On a certain level, yes. Not all the time, though. Recently, I find myself torn between two “masters”. Two things that I should be doing, two things that are completely different from one another. The result? I’m not excelling in any one of them. I’m not doing my best in any. I’m not able to give my 100% to any.

You see, it’s not just about doing things. It’s not just about the work load. It’s also about the way you feel. How dedicated would you be to any of the two? Which is more important? Other times it would be this one, then it would be the other one. Can that really work? What would you prioritized more of the two? Where would you focus more?

What if it is two competing dreams? Because of trying to balance the two, you’ll end up losing both. You could also end up losing one. Then realizing that it was your ultimate dream and you just blew your chances. The take away here? Hindi pwedeng hati yung puso mo. You need to decide.

So, there you go dear readers! Hope some of my ramblings here help! Let’s all do our best this 2018, okay?